'llI need to dust off my cobwebby fingers to type something here.
Missed this avenue of expression in my life.
Since the last time I posted, I have moved home, reconnected with myself, my family, found love, lost him LOL.
Still in all lifes good. Soo soo good.
It was not meant to be like this.
I was supposed to be able to just walk away.
How did this happen?
When did the scales tip in your favour?
The decision is made my bags are packed but it's now with a heavy heart I leave.
Thank you for loving me.
Thank you for laughing with me.
Thank you for your prayers.
Thank you for just being.
I'll miss you.
Picking up from the subject of moving...lets talk about moving in.
Single ladies have you ever lived with a man? I suppose the answer to that is probably no because good African girls don't do that...yeah right...whatever.
I once had the experience of sharing my home with my then boyfriend, lets call him Lothario. Lothario, to cut a story short, was in transit and needed a place to crash for a week. So me the ever dutiful girlfriend offered to open up my home to him for that week. After all, I reasoned, A week is a short time and having Lothario all to myself for a bit would be dreamy right?
Wrong.
To make things worse I was foolish enough to take the week off to 'be there for him' (insert throw up smiley here)
The week started off well. I stocked up my fridge with food and drinks and for the first two days that were the weekend we just slept, ate and had lots of mind blowing sex. It was fabulous, then came Monday:
To start the day I was roused out of my slumber by something hard poking me in the back. Normally I would not have minded, after all in a non live-in relationship setup you have sex as and when you can and since that's not too often it never gets tiring or stale. In this case however after my 2 day session with Lothario I was exhausted. I'd been hoping for a lie in, unfortunately it was not to be. I rolled over and let him do his thing while I intermittently dozed off. After the deed was done my guy got up and went in for his shower. Hmmm I moaned as I burrowed further under my duvet, bliss I could now carry on with my lie in. Thats when I heard him bellow "LGL LGL...wake up I need you to iron my shirt...and can you make me some breakfast. Shit Shit shit...I'm running late can you hurry up with that shirt shit...."
Hang on a minute I didn't sign up to Iron shirts and be yelled at this early in the morning and if you hadn't wasted that extra 15 minutes waking me up to have sex you probably wouldn't be in such a hurry.
I mumbled under my breath as I stumbled my way out of bed. I found the shirt and started the Ironing unfortunately in my sleepy state I burnt it and Lothario chose this point to come out of the shower...oh my days....to cut it short we had an almighty row and he was 20 minutes late overall.
While he was at work things went back to normal, me in my flat doing me things:
vacuuming while dancing to really loud music, going out for a spot of grocery shopping, a bit of guitar practice and so forth. All of a sudden things that had seemed so mundane before held a significance as I relished the joy of being alone in my space doing exactly as I pleased.
Before I knew it, it was 5 o'clock and my Lothario was home. After my rejuvenating afternoon I was happy to see him home, the morning angst all but forgotten. We kissed deeply and caught up with how each others day had gone...I was in a great mood. While we chatted Lotharios phone rang so he took the call I drifted away into my own private world... this living together thing is not s bad after all...maybe I should start considering settling down and becoming his (or someone else's) wife, we could be together like this always...and have beautiful babies
"LGL baby"...he roused me from my reverie, 'the boys' are in the neighborhood and thought they'd pop round to watch the match, can you prepare some food...maybe some of that pilau rice you do...and some chicken...make lots, you know how they eat.
So that was it for me that Monday, I spent the rest of the evening slaving over a hot stove then sloped off upstairs to read instead of carrying out my usual evening ritual of watching TV shows such as Eastenders and Americas Next Top Model.
Later I heard the door click as Lothario let out the last of 'the boys' and I crept downstairs to survey the Damage. There were beer cans stacked on tables, an open packet of dorritos had half emptied it's contents onto my carpet and Lothario hadn't even bothered to clear away their own dinner plates. I just knuckled down and got on with it as I did not feel like starting a row at that time of night. After clearing up I made it to bed quite to find Lothario waiting up for me in anticipation of our usual nocturnal activities. He leaned in to kiss me and as I smelt the beer on his breath I groaned as I realised that my Lothario was turning into a beast. It was only day 3 of what would turn out to be a long but not so blissful week.
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Long after the experience I still recall how I felt and I wonder about my part in all this. Am I too selfish, will I ever be able to live with someone without feeling like I'm being stifled and punished, I know for a fact that I will never be moving a boyfriend in again, no matter how temporary but even I'll have to get married someday...sigh.
Haven't updated in a while, LGL has been busy - Well not to busy to comment on other blogs but too busy to come up with a post for here- you know how it is.
You know how I was banging on about my frustration with the system? I needed a change and after weighing up my options LGL will be moving to middle Africa.
I packed in the Job and sorted out a gig over there which I start in december. I also have a few other projects I need to go and oversee so I'm fired up. My flight is booked for the end of November yay! I'm happy with my decision but my nerves are frayed. It's the moving, the preparation and the last minute 'OMG what have I done' sensation thats threatening to overwhelm me.
The worst bit is trying to cut out the voices of everyone who thinks I am crazy to be leaving the comfort and security of a Career here for one in Africa when a lot of people there are trying to jump ship. Still I won't let them start making me second guess myself, I have put a lot of thought into this and it's my life and I owe it to myself to do what makes me happy. My country is in my blood and this separation has not been good for my personal health(My unprofessional diagnosis that is). I just know that this is something I have to do.
I may have a nervous breakdown when I get there but I'll cross that bridge at the time, the current challenge is to get all my stuff and myself across the ocean.
People pray for me this is not easy!
But no worries I'm anticipating and looking forward to this next phase in my life it's going to be an adventure!
I tried to find a video for this tune crime and Corruption but I couldn't so I will just post the Lyrics as penned by Lucky Dube himself:
Is it the bodyguards around you
Is it the high walls where you live
Or is it the men with the guns around you
Twenty four hours a day
That make you ignore the crying of the people
Farmers get killed everyday
And you say it is not that bad
Policemen get killed everyday
And you say it is not that bad
Maybe if you see it through the eyes
Of the victims
You will join us and fight this
Chorus:
Crime and corruption
Do you ever worry
About your house being broken into
Do you ever worry
About your car being taken away from you
In broad daylight
Down highway 54
Do you ever worry
About your wife becoming
The woman in black
Do you ever worry
About leaving home and
Coming back in a coffin
With a bullet through your head
So join us and fight this
Chorus:
Crime and corruption
- Lucky Dube
Please God I hope Lucky's death is not in vain. How many more people must die like this?
I pray that the SA govt can act to further stem the unnacceptably high levels of violent crime in the city of Jo-berg.
Lucky Dube Rest In Peace. A Rastaman never dies!
I read in a magazine somewhere where someones came to the verdict that we are not happy because of what we have but because of what we do. This resonated with me.
(Take note they weren't referring to what job we do).
To me, and I think to the person that wrote this, it means that once all my needs are met - food, clothing, shelter & transpot - acquiring more does not make me happier.
I can shop for more shoes clothes, handbags and they make me feel good for just about a minute but after that the buzz is gone.
However when I set myself goals or get into a project I throw myself into it and thoroughly enjoy the process. Every little triumph as a master something new in the process or make a success of project gives me a buzz. This is true of home, work or business projects. It can even be something as simple as mastering a new song on my guitar. The other things we do that bring so much more joy than acquiring posessions or accolades ever could is sharing activities with loved ones and friends. I must make more time for this.
Which brings me to relationships
- Never make someone a priority when to them you are only an option.
I need to put this into practice.In relationships as in everything else there must be balance. If there is no balance then it's a drain to one party, making the other party either a financial, emotional or spiritual leech. Where there is no balance friends will be demoted to acquaintances.
As my sisters Big Day draws closer the wedding drama is heating up to fever pitch. I guess because weddings and any such family get togethers involve a lot of collaboration with family (extended) that I choose to rarely deal with, issues that were long since buried get resurrected. Unfortunately this is taking it's toll on our nuclear family withe everybody taking sides & rows all over the place.
**I'm seriously considering that if I ever do the unthinkable I'm going to fucking elope.**
Anyway as a result of all this I overstepped the mark. I pushed my mum to a point where she did not want to continue the conversation we were having. My problem is that I had only my perspective and I wasn't prepared to see things any other way.
Then she sent me an email with a few simple words:
'Two wrongs don't make a right.'
A cliched overused expression but true in every sense. I am humbled.
It also made me think more about perspective - you can change a whole dynamic just by shifting your perspective. Walk in somebodys shoes for a minute. A dynamic of anger or resentment can shift quite quickly to understanding and love one you truly try and place a different set of glasses on.
Acceptance - To see something or a situation as it is and no longer desire to challenge or change it. Let it be.
Lastly nothing or no one outside myself can bring me happiness. My happiness is down to the choices I make e.g who I choose to share my time with, activities I persue etc and so forth. People can enrich my life but I own it.
To end on a musical note I was flicking through the music channels and came accross the Vengaboys Video for Up and Down. Somewhere in my collection of memories that I really should try harder to supress I remember a feeling a pure Joy everytime this or any other vengaboys tune played in a club. I'm thinking student union days.
I really should get my black and my adult cards, revoked for this admission but whatever. This is one of those vodka, the right crowd and really loud speakers hits: -
The picture is getting sharper, the mind is more focused and I'm loving it.
I'm enjoying the present, I'm enjoying me.
I wish I could capture this and bottle it up.
I suppose that's one of the reasons why I blog.
To release the pressure when times are rough and to record the joy when times are good.
This is one of those joyous times.
Little Girl Lost is finding her way.
I have a greater self awareness, direction and focus on my purpose.
It's all good in the hood...
This is a crisis of magnificent proportions.
Do not get me wrong I have nothing against the part of my extended family that resides back in the village. No in fact I have the utmost respect for them.
This is about me and my lovely mother and what she does everytime we get these visitors.
Rewind a few years (ok maybe a decade - give or take a couple of years) and its the last day of boarding school. I'm all excited about going home. No more wearing uniform or tied wrapper and Tshirt all day because well I'm going home, I can wear my Jeans. ( I went to a Catholic school. No trousers allowed - in fact they were considered the worst type of contraband). So yes I'm excited to be returning home to civilisation and Jeans. This was just one of the things that excited me about the beginning of the holidays.
So I get home and head straight to my room to see if I can find something to make me look decent. After searching high and low I find the suitcase keeping all my holiday clothes (my best stuff) is gone.
Me: Mummy where is my stuff.
Mum: Which stuff
Me: The suitcase with all my stuff.
Mum: Do you own a suitcase? You forget that this is my house therefore any suitcases lying about belong to me.
Me: Taking care to tread carefully Ok Mummy please tell me where's my stuff that was in the suitcase. You can do whatever you want with YOUR suitcase but where are MY clothes.
Mummy: Oh you mean those trousers ah...well we had visitors.
Me: Panic setting in Visitors?
Mummy: Yes your aunties from the village came to stay while you were at school and since you choose to leave your stuff lying carelessly I thought you didn't want them any more, so I gave them to take for people.
Me: Wailing Thats all my favorite stuff! And I didnt leave anything lying carelessly the stuff was in a suitcase in my room.
Mummy: All those trousers ahhh maybe you can try being a little bit more lady like and wearing some nice skirts and dresses.
Oh so that's what this is all about
Anyway I somehow came to forgive her for that one. Though everytime I left for school I warned her not to touch my stuff but that didn't stop the same scene from being repeated at least twice. If it werent for the fact that my Parents villages are both 2 days away by road it would have happened more often.
Anyway yesterday I got a message in my mailbox.
Mummy: Just so you know we will be receiving visitors from the village in a few weeks time. I have told you and your sisters countless times that my house is not a storage so I will be making a gift of any items that look like they have been lying unwanted for too long.
-Knowing my Mummy that's everything
Now I'm a big girl. I have my own place but there are still things that have sentimental value from my past in some of those suitcase. There's also stuff that I leave there by accident when I visit and I mean to collect the next time I go.
So I called my sister for crisis talks.
Me: Have you heard that the Village people are going to be home for a visit?
SisterLGL: Yes and I am prepared. I have salvaged all the things I want to keep.
Me: Can you please go and sort through my stuff and keep some things for me?
SisterLGL: Whats in it for me
Me: What d'you mean
SisterLGL: Well you know that perfume **mentions ridiculously overpriced fragrance here** , I could also do with some Mac powder and **mentions a few more ridiculously overpriced items here**
Me: Are you for real?
SisterLGL: You know you left your gorgeous top the last time you came? Mhhm that expensive one that xyz bought for you. I think cousin Malia will love that one. All the men will be eying her when she goes to collect water at the well. Unless...
**Sigh**
I hate the little bitch (well not really).
So here I am.
Wondering whether to just let it all go or pay the fine and save some memories.
